Crappy stuff of 2011

–Well, with the good comes the bad, and 2011 had just enough bad in it, let me tell you.  Really, this year, for me, has been pretty damn good.  I’ve had a lot of positivity in my work (work as an artist, mind you), in my friends and family, and in my church community.  It’s been a year of growth.  But it’s been a year of challenges, of trials I’ve faced and (won and) failed, of doubts and setbacks.

I could’ve had more patience.  Patience is a virtue that i sorely lack.  I’m fine until it isn’t under my control, then I swim in doubt and impatience until it’s resolved.  I’ve been working hard on “Letting It Go”, meaning I hold onto every little concern, problem and gripe and let it stress me out.  I think I’m winning; that I am letting go more often, but it usually takes a minor glitch in my day to show me how I’m not.  There’s a lot of issues I still put on a back-burner:  my finances, my physical health and fitness (this year has seen a 10 lb weight loss, with a 3 lb back-n-forth hump that I’ve yet to get over, and I could deal with losing about 30), my mental health (refuge is good, but real counseling would be better), my job (or lack of dream-job, i.e. “you ever gonna figure out what you wanna be when you grow up?”).  So that’s the continual grumpy stuff i’ve dealt and continue to deal with.

I kinda wanted to make a great big list of national and personal “worsts” of 2011, but I really couldn’t think up a lot.  My memory’s shot to hell –some things i was gonna post actually happened last year (duh).  Then i thought about how everyone else and their dog are doing “lists” like these, from TIME magazine to  You don’t need me to tell you how dumb i thought Charlie Sheen was, or how sad I was to see the footage of the Japanese earthquake, or how un-newsworthy all the Oprah crap was.  There’s really only one thing that needs to be said in terms of Crap things that happened in 2011…

…and that’s Jeff Sayer’s death.  I’m still pretty conflicted with the whole thing.  It takes a lot to get past being pissed off at Jeff for taking his life so that I can actually grieve about losing him.  It breaks my heart, the whole mess that was jeff, his life and his death.  The guy had all this talent, but he had all these problems, and he obviously let the problems win out.  It’s really a looooong blog post i’ll never probably write because I don’t think I could find the words that would fit how i feel towards the fucked up day that was Sept.11, 2011 (and really jeff, how fucked up is it you shot yourself on an already fucked day?).

I love and miss you Jeff, you bastard.  You left a big hole in the hearts of a lot of people.

Jeff Sayers, A.K.A. "Zef Metalsayers" 1974 - 2011

Rest in Peace my friend

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